Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
