everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
