I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
