I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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