last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
