Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
