So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
