i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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