Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
