Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
