good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
