He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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