so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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