I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
