Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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