just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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