dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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