She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he thought i was a dude.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
