I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize