The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
