Banned from zoo.
Again?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
