The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
