the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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