Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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