I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
this will be a night to untag.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
