Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
