That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
