Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
...so i touched it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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