why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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