he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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