I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
