he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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