I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
