If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
