He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize