I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
