i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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