alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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