I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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