sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize