my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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