Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
