I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
