this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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