Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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