i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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