Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am one with the molecules
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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