I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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