i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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