You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
