Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
