no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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