There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
