Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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