i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
