I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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