PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
