I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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