Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
