This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
