The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
