How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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