I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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