Can i not drive my cunt home
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
