Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
